I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
