People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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