It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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