You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
