Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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