Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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