I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
