Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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