i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
