I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
