Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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