You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
