I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
