The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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