I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
