mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
