my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize