Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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