can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
