please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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