if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
