i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
