if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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