Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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