She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
