Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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