some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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