I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
