I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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