Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
