Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
