I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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