How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
