Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
