Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
