You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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