fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
