somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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