: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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