Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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