Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize