why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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