I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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