My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize