Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize