She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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