The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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