i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
