Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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