either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
