And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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