so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
