you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
